Sunday, November 8, 2009

another night

I wrote the majority of this awhile ago, but was refraining from posting it, I thought maybe I would read it later and feel different after some time, but it hasn't happened. Its somewhat embarrassing and weak to some I'm sure, but people need to know. I thought I could separate feelings from this house, but I've fallen short on that.  Its a new month already, I'm late I know, its hard to believe its November, physically I was expecting to be in this house, mentally and emotionally I'm so far from where I ever thought I would be in life.  I have to be honest, I can't hide what really is going on inside these walls.  This has been tough. The work has been good, really far less difficult than I actually thought! Plenty of progress has been made.  I'm blessed I have some good people around me that have really helped out when they've had time, not only with labor and knowledge, but also support in other ways where I really need it. The place looks a little different in a good way and will look even better very soon....  continues after the jump.

But still I do this with a heavy heart and mind. Very soon a big decision needs made, it's a big month for myself already, and this has been hanging over my head since the day the papers were signed. I've been praying that things would turn around sooner than later.  I thought it would be getting better by now, I've been trying to be strong, I try each day to find some peace with this whole situation. But each passing day it gets heavier and heavier; I can't shake it. When you have an expectation on how something big like this house will go and it turns out totally different, its impossible to see it any other way. I've tried telling myself that it needs to be a project now; it's for my growth and I will make the best of it (see the first blog post).  I know it's the hand I've been dealt, but instead of bluffing myself further into the hole I wonder if I should just fold 'em.  Believe me I am not overlooking the positives of this house, I keep saying them out loud, over and over and over again. And everyone tries to help me see how great it is, and it is; I'm fairly young and totally blessed to have the means to have this roof over my head. The market will turn around and I could probably profit from this house. But the last thing I am worried about is making or losing money on a house, that's not why I wanted to get a house. I could've done that a long time ago if that was my motivation. I never wanted to flip houses or be a landlord.

I wanted to make this happen for truly something special, and that special reason (and my indescribable loss) unfortunately hasn't been part of this whatsoever. That is all I feel and see inside these walls, I can't see it as just another place to live or something to do.  The conversations and emotions linked to this house are something I can't escape, there are so many reasons and decisions that were made that I can't separate between my head and my heart. It wasn't meant to be for me alone, it wasn't supposed to be only a project.  It wasn't supposed to be like this, this house was intended to be a future and a home, everyone knows that.  I randomly read something the other day that hit me hard, "a house is just four walls, you can't tear your heart out"; each and every day this place is tearing me apart, I constantly feel it happening. I'm tired of slipping in the tears I've shed on these floors.  I wake up in it, and I go to sleep in it. When I'm away from it, its all I think about. When I'm driving back here the emotions start to suffocate me.  This was intended to be the right decision but it turned out wrong, now maybe the wrong decision is the only thing that can make things anywhere closer to right.

The "before" party never happened (which was such a great idea). And every day since the "after"  day gets moved up sooner and sooner.

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